Not me

There's someone at ahr 'ouse that Ah nivver see,
He's alus around, and is name is NOT ME.
Whenivver there's trouble, an I ask who's ter blame
Answer I'm given is alus the same. NOT ME.

Teacups - It were NOT ME who broke 'em.
Swear words - It were NOT ME who spoke 'em.
I'll give that NOT ME such a clout,
If ivver I could catch 'im out.

But Ah nivver can catch 'im, though often I've tried,
He does all o' t'damage, then runs of ter hide.
Ah come inter a room an it's all in a mess,
Who did this? Don't tell me, just let guess. NOT ME.

Lost yer book? That NOT ME hid it.
Broken winder? NOT ME did it.
If ivver he comes through that door,
Ah'll give that NOT ME what for!

I've looked all over, but he's nivver been seen,
Don't know where he is, but Ah know where he's been!
He leaves mucky footprints all over t'floor,
An who left them bricks an games there, by t'door? NOT ME.

Evening paper - NOT ME tore it.
Missing scarf - NOT ME wore it.
Ee, Ah wish Ah could get me 'ands on im!

We've nivver a minute's peace since he cem,
But I'm fond ot t'owd rascal, just the sem,
For if he ever left us, who'd take all the blame? Not me!