How ter treat the wife

Allus give yer wife a kiss
when yer go aht and when yer come in.
Clean all 'er boots 
an all't winders.

Swill t'doorston, and ger up an hour sooner 
on a Frida morning and do't blackleadin fer 'er.
Rub er't furniture dahn wi furniture cream
once a week, an alus mangle er cloas.

Carry er't ashes aht an doan't leave
er wi'aht a skuttle an coil in't house.
Help er sheck t'rugs, an when shu's weshin
don't leave er t'iron sheets an t'blankets wi ersen.

Do t'shoppin for 'er.
Especially for t'heavy things.

An doan't consider it beneath thi dignity
to wesh up an siden t'pots away 
wheniver ser wants ter sit dahn an read abit.

Alus leave t'easiest chair fer't wife ter sit on,
An slip 'er a bit of a shawl rahnd her shoulders
if shu seems a bit cold.

Give 'er all t'cream off at t'milk.
Eat all 'er crusts for 'er an cut er a bit o't
tenderest when yer carvin t'Sunda joint.

Nivver let t'wife whitewash balks.
Or mek t'beds.
Set t'oven agate for 'er.
An allus knead 'er dough.

Bring 'om yer brass.
Don't go aht of a neight.
Don't drink.

Don't smoke.

Don't swear.

Don't look fahl.

Don't sit dahn until sher gives yer leave 
- an if yer do - 
sit dahn until shu tells yer t'ger up.

An if that doesn't satisfy 'er...
Ask 'er if there's owt else sher wants.
An choose whativer sher wants...
Let er ev it.

An if that doesn't satisfy 'er.  Shooit er.